Renowned and experienced infidelity expert, Elda M. Lopez fully understands the consequences of unfaithfulness on couples and individuals. Her book “The infidelity factor: Points to ponder before your cheat”, a concise account of her wealth of knowledge of the infidelity field, provides insights and exercises that will help you prevent infidelity and cope with the hurtful repercussions it can have on emotional, physical and psychological levels. She has so much to share and there is so much to learn from her. Her book is a true inspiration while being a one-of-a-kind self-help manual.
Read her insightful interview below.
1. How did you become an infidelity expert?
I have experience with it on both sides of the fence. My ex-husband cheated on me, and I’ve been the “other” woman. I’ve also done a ton of work on myself trying to make sense of it, from both points of view. As cheating became more prominent in the public eye, I became increasingly annoyed with infidelity gone wild. No one is really addressing it effectively, if at all! It’s becoming normalized. Not good. I wrote my book to bring renewed attention to this unproductive behavior. While researching and having first-hand conversations with people, I became even more curious and fascinated with the subject. I continually experienced learning curves. Although I don’t judge this behavior, I’m still surprised by some of the stories I hear. I have to keep stepping back. I’ve gained so much from the experience, ironic as that may sound. Infidelity is definitely not one size fits all. Having dealt with it in this manner has given me a unique perspective, along with valuable insight regarding this issue.
2. What is the (in)fidelity factor?
The (in)fidelity factor is not just the subject matter that the term implies. It’s much more than that. It encompasses the entirety of this chaotic situation. It’s an examination of the whys and why nots, the backstories, along with the emotional, financial and mental components. And the crazy making fallout anger, revenge, retribution, hate, broken homes, damaged children, heartbreak, bankruptcy: financially and at the soul level. Not to mention madness, mayhem, murder, dismemberment (hello, Lorena Bobbitt and copycats) and all other assorted actions that are direct by-products of infidelity. These are not exaggerations. This stuff is real! On the upside, I discuss tools and skill sets to acquire in order to work through it all. I cite examples that most people can relate to. The premise is infidelity prevention. Hopefully people will “get” it before it gets them. As you can see, infidelity is a situation that spreads its thread long and wide. What are the main principles we can learn from your book? The main principles are: Awareness, some of which I’ve already mentioned regarding the fallout. Also, most people don’t understand that the trickle-down effects impose themselves on society at large (bankruptcy, government aid, mental health issues, etc.; resulting from infidelity) and we’re all society at large! We’re fortunate that we have services than can help in times of need, but how much better would it be if the situation could have been avoided in the first place? Exactly! Education, or rather reeducation. We have to recreate and apply a more effective approach to dealing with this subject. I list some ideas in my book. One being, I think we need to discuss infidelity in high school. These kids have hormones raging, are risk takers and act out. They may also have examples at home that are not in their best interests. Why not start at this level to help them along to getting healthy? And, personal accountability. This is key. This lends itself to personal growth, which in turn helps create a healthy individual, who in turn is more apt to enter into a healthy relationship. I could go on and on about each of these, but you get the idea.
3. What advice would you give to a person who is fearing infidelity (very inquisitive and not trusting)?
First, you have to examine where that feeling is coming from. Is it a past experience, an issue with their background or family situation? You have to get down to the nitty gritty, otherwise that stuff will fester and create all kinds of problems. If someone is continually looking for the other shoe to drop, they may in fact push someone in that direction by all the questions, accusations, etc. Self-defeating behavior; you’ve created something that didn’t exist based on you not wanting it to happen in the first place! This is where therapists, spiritual counselors, etc. come into play. Someone may not even realize they have an issue until they can untangle the emotions that are creating the discomfort.
4. Should you trust your sixth sense over the trust in your partner/date?
I guess it depends if your sixth sense has a high accuracy rate. If so, be mindful but don’t jump to conclusions. We each have our own personal and unique abilities to suss out situations. If history has shown that you’ve made good decisions by moving away from a situation that doesn’t feel right, well, there’s something to be said for that. However, our own preconceived notions can get in the way as well. Know thyself.
5. What advice would you give to a person who is considering cheating?
I’ve been in that situation. Like I said, I don’t judge anyone who chooses to cheat. But, I have told someone, “If this is what you feel you must do, be very aware of the consequences. It could backfire on you and your family. People could get hurt, including yourself. Think about it thoroughly before doing something you’ll regret. Might be time to address certain issues in your marriage as well.” And, read my book! I didn’t say that, only because I hadn’t written it yet. I would certainly try and piece out why he/she feels that this is an option they want to explore, then I would explain my experience. Not pretty. I’d also suggest speaking to a trained professional before dipping their toe or whatever appendage, into those murky waters. That might get them to thinking in a different direction.
6. How do you help your clients survive infidelity consequences and not be a victim of it?
Honestly, I’m not a fan of the phrase “surviving infidelity”, or the word “victim”. I’ve used neither in association with me. Those words place so much emphasis on the lack of individual self worth. Although, I do get why people say it. If we look at the strict definition of victim, it makes sense, but to label yourself that way just seems to reinforce the lack of self-empowerment. It really is a pet peeve of mine, but I don’t begrudge anyone who wants to claim themselves as such. To me, the real victims of infidelity are the children involved or those who’ve suffered forms of abuse. I went through one of the most difficult times of my life when my husband cheated on me, but I was already well-formed. I was married for the first time at 43 years old. My self-worth had long been a part of my person. But, to answer your question, of course I’d say read my book as a starting point. It really is an easy and effective read. It would be a good introduction to opening their eyes to this particular issue. I’d then do as much listening as possible. We don’t listen enough! I’m as guilty as anyone at times. We do plenty of lusting and loving, but listening; not so much. I would acknowledge their sorrows, gauge their emotional state and based on this, either suggest therapy, more books to help them along their way or whatever other resource might be appropriate for their particular situation. I’d definitely suggest some sort of stepping stone to take. There is no time limit to grieving, etc., but I would encourage an individual to also give as much time to the positive aspects of their self, and lives, as well. Wallowing and self-pity aren’t your friends.
7. Can flirting be considered as a form of cheating?
For me, no. I know how to draw boundaries and not engage in ambiguous behavior, which I suppose flirting could be considered to some. Then again, a little flirting goes a long way. If you’re out and about and instigating situations, chances are that behavior could be misconstrued. If your intention is to draw attention to yourself for all the wrong reasons, well, you just might need to reassess what’s going on in your world. You have to be very aware of your emotional intelligence. We actually need to teach that in school as well!
8. Is it worth continuing a relationship after infidelity has played a part in it?
That depends whether the mates involved have the care, courage and wherewithal to get to the other side. It will be hard work. No doubt. There will be huge trust issues that must be addressed, as well as the reasons for the behavior in the first place. Again, I can’t stress enough how important it is to have a professional work with you. It’s very difficult for two people who are so intimately involved, to be able to see their relationship objectively. Also, seeing yourself in the same manner is equally challenging. There will be steps forward and setbacks. The dynamic of the relationship will change up radically, which is a good thing. It obviously needed to! There is a high incidence of having a healthier and happier relationship if you can keep moving forward. It takes two to make or break a relationship. Yes, the person who colored outside the lines did the dirty deed, but that doesn’t mean the betrayed individual isn’t also responsible on some level for the disconnect. People don’t get that. It’s easier to keep pointing a finger and blaming. I had to take a hard look at myself after my husband’s infidelity. Yes, my ex was the knucklehead (I used much more colorful language to describe him when I discovered the indiscretion) who broke our vows, and that certainly is on him, but what was my part? Turns out, a lot.
9. Are some people more inclined to cheating?
There’s so much that’s been said about that. I would think that someone who had poor examples in their family (such as my ex) would have a higher probability of taking action, but I also don’t deny that others work hard to avoid that at all costs, precisely because the examples were so poor. They don’t want to do what they saw done to their mother/father, etc. It gets tricky. Do you think astrological signs have an influence on cheating? I have no idea. I do like my astrology, but it’s not something I’ve even thought about. Interesting question. I may have to look into it!
10. What can people do to avoid being cheated on?
Well, if you’re bringing your healthiest self to the table; communicative (unfortunately, men aren’t really taught that particular skill, yet another thing I discuss in my book!), caring, listen well, have compassion and want to do team work, then I believe the chances of infidelity decrease. Of course, healthiest self means a fair amount of personal growth (I’d like to up that ante!) that is applied and consistent. Truth is, if someone really wants to cheat, there’s nothing anyone can do. You can not control another person’s behavior in that respect. All we can do is make sure we’re on track with our own best selves.
11. Are there ways to predict if your date will cheat on you?
If your radar is good (I guess this goes back to intuition that was discussed earlier), you should be able to pick up on some red flags. I’ve ignored red flags and it usually doesn’t wind up in anyone’s best interest. If you’ve been on enough dates, the hope is you’ll be able to ascertain whether someone is a good fit or not. That also has a lot to do with personal growth and being your healthiest self, or at least a continual work in progress. Learning from your mistakes comes in very handy in this instance. Be good to yourself. If not this guy/girl, another one will come along who may be a better suited.
12. Should you come forward after you cheated?
That’s a big question. My instinct is to say, yes, because obviously there is a problem that isn’t being addressed and it has led to an unfortunate situation. Self-gratification and quick fixes do not bode well in the long run. The newness wears thin and then you’re left with another set of problems, and that might be putting it mildly. There are those that say if it was only one time, then why bother to upset your mate? I just think it would be hard for that incident to be buried and supposedly be made to disappear. It could very well manifest itself in another form. I’ve never been in that situation, so I can’t answer authentically, but I don’t think I’d like to be the one in the dark. That’s a big secret to hold on to. I wouldn’t want the burden.
13. Anything you would like to add?
So much! I get so passionate about this subject that sometimes it’s hard for me to stop talking about it. I guess I’d like to say, that although I don’t believe infidelity is a crime, I do think a monetary punitive charge should be applied. We give out tickets for speeding, running through red lights, etc., and I don’t mean to say to give a ticket for infidelity, but I do believe there should be a price to pay – literally. It’s a very damaging circumstance. People actually die because of this! Why aren’t we being more proactive in helping to decrease the incidences? It’s never going to go away permanently, but why aren’t we doing more about it? Right? As well as a fine, I think six months of mandatory therapy should be handed down. It’s way too easy for someone to cheat, defeat and repeat their unhealthy behavior because there isn’t any personal accountability involved. Makes me crazy. Time for us to get progressive with our thought. Time for a big change-up!
Lean more about fidelity and infidelity and how to prevent infidelity with Elda’s book:
THE (IN)FIDELITY FACTOR: Points to Ponder Before You Cheat (Available in e-book format on Amazon).
Click Here to purchase it and get enlightened today!