The world of online dating can be overwhelming. It’s filled with such a wide array of people from different cultures and backgrounds. I recommend talking with someone and getting to know them for a few days before meeting in person. This gives you an idea for the type of person you are dealing with.However, like dozens of people I have screened over the phone prior to in person interviews there are always a select few that pass the phone screen with flying colors only to be completely different in person during their job interview.It’s exactly the same with online dating. There will always be a select few that pass the phone screen but in person the reality is completely different than the fantasy you have imagined. Here are some signs that your date may be a little too needy for a relationship.
1) Talks About Their Ex
Each of us has probably had our heart broken at least once. Personally, I can tell you exactly who broke my heart, the date we broke up and how long it took me before I felt human again. The one thing I made the mistake of doing was dating too soon. The classic sign of this is talking about your ex. If your date mentions their ex throughout the evening regardless of whether it is positive or negative, one thing is clear, their ex is on their mind. If you find your date suddenly weeping over carrot cake because it was his ex- girlfriend’s favorite dessert you should call it a night. Or if you’re a man and your new lady friend shows you her ex with his new girlfriend on Facebook then proceeds to tell you what a jerk he is and how he cheated for months with this homewrecker but now is so much happier without him. Check please! A date is about getting to know each other. When I am on a date I don’t want to know that your ex had a terrible peanut allergy. Dates are not meant to be therapy sessions, I actually use my best friend for that.
2) The Perpetual Victim Act
A first date should be filled with smiles and laughter. You are getting to know someone in person whom you have been chatting it up with both online and probably through texts and phone calls. It should be a positive experience. If suddenly you find yourself faced with a situation where you find you need a box of tissues or you secretly want to burst into laughter at not with your date this is a sign you have found a victim. Someone who continues to tell you stories in which they are constantly a victim should be a red flag. These stories could range from the coworker who made their life so miserable they had to quit their job to the menacing neighbor who torments them on a daily basis by stealing their parking space. The constant malicious acts never stop, why does everyone hate me? The bottom line, this person will constantly find negativity in situations. In the long term this can be wearing in a serious relationship because you will always be in support mode to your partner. It’s a personality trait and not one you can change.
3) Light Interrogations
Generally speaking, you want to know where you stand with someone…. at least I do! If someone is dating multiple women – for instance – it’s a complete waste of my time to invest all of my energy on him. In due time these things typically surface and there is no need to interrogate someone. However, there is a time for that and that’s certainly not the first encounter. Yet, a person who is needy will begin to ask you very open ended uncomfortable questions from the beginning. These questions can range from the very blunt “Do you see a future with me?” Yes, I have been asked this on a first date. Other questions could be, how many women/men are you seeing? How many people are you currently talking to from the dating site? Will you be deleting your profile after tonight because I will. These questions or statements are all extremely inappropriate for your first meeting. They come across as desperate and needy. You will feel cornered and for most of us this will be a turn off. If you are being interrogated now imagine what happens when you leave your phone on the table to go the bathroom.
4) Low Self Esteem
Lots of us have low self-esteem, including me. No one could ever accuse me of being Captain Arrogance, I definitely look into the mirror sometimes in a hot dress and hope no one asks what trimester I’m in. Those are things you should keep to yourself. Gentlemen, if in the middle of dinner your date suddenly begins to tell you her last boyfriend called her fat on a daily basis and now she cannot finish a meal. Oh and by the way she’s seen the way you have been watching her eat in complete disgust, do you think she’s fat too? Or ladies, you’re out with a guy and he suddenly mentions he hasn’t been on a date in five (5) years because girls just don’t like him so he knows when you leave he’ll probably never see you again but he’s glad you at least stuck it out and pretended to have fun. These are two examples. There is a saying, you have to love yourself before you can love anyone else and it’s true. My best advice is to always look for someone who is already secure with who they are and comfortable enough with their flaws to laugh about them.
5) Moving too Fast
In the beginning a relationship regardless of the amount of time you have spent talking online or over the phone when you meet someone in person things move to a completely different level. You are seeing their facial expressions, watching them laugh and possibly even small things like holding hands. Those are all healthy and part of a the courting phase in a relationship. They make us feel good. It’s that feeling of butterflies in your stomach when you look into their eyes. There is nothing wrong with taking things slow. Relationships that are slow and steady have a higher rate of success. A needy person will not want to take things slow. In fact they will immediately want something more. For every small step you take they will want to take a major step. For example, after your first date, you will see a relationship request on Facebook. Someone who is needy will constantly push for something more because they want to feel security. If you are still single then you could date someone else, right? Right? Do you see where I am going with this? This type of behavior will drive you insane.
I have been on dates with needy people and I have also been a needy date. There are many factors to consider when you encounter any of the personality types listed above, being needy does not make someone a bad person. Some of these people are going through times in their lives, they are going through rough break ups or perhaps not yet comfortable in their own skin. Others are plain crazy. The one common factor is that no one listed is ready to be in a relationship.